not for the faint of heart...

So, last month when I got my prescriptions refilled, the pharmacy screwed up and sent me half the amount they should have. It was my fault that I didn't notice earlier than I did, but be that as it may, the bottom line is that I've been without my meds (for the record, because it's not a secret or anything, it's effexor xr and it is an antidepressant. I've taken it for over 6 years, it works great, but only if I actually *take* it). I took half a dose on Friday, half on Sat, none since then. I was really really hoping I'd get my refill in Friday's mail, or Saturday's, but no. Sunday I just suffered through, counting on the package arriving on Monday. But....no.

Things are....interesting. I've never gone this long without it, since back in 2000 when I started taking this particular med. I've run out before, but never for this long.

Physically, I'm tired. Very sleepy. Waves of nausea that come and go. Light headed. Upset stomach. Dizziness. The worst physical part is the headache. The effexor withdrawal headache is like a migraine on steriods. It's a scary thing. Every noise just kills, and living in a tiny trailer that's really more of a camper with 6 people and a dog, there is a lot of noise. So a lot of pain. I've slept right through the alarm both of the last 2 days, so the kids have been over an hour late for school each day. Totally my fault.

Emotionally, I'm kind of a wreck. The irritability started on Saturday, and has just gotten worse. Last night and again this morning the dreaded Bitch Mother took over control of my mouth. I'm not normally a yelling type of mother, but you wouldn't know it if you'd been in this vicinity the last couple of days.

I'm also weepy, as in, I cried this morning when I couldn't find anything clean to wear. Again, not a normal behavior for me. I'm not really *depressed*, but I have moments of hopelessness, or wondering at the pointlessness of it all.

Mentally, I'm kind of in a really weird place. I've been having really, really vivid dreams, which isn't that bad. At least there's some entertainment value to the whole thing, right?

Let's all just hope those meds come today, because I really don't know now long I can keep this up. I'm trying to keep a sense of perspective, and constantly remind myself that this isn't my new life, it's just a bad patch and it will get better when I get back on my meds. But every day, it's harder to remember that. It's harder to concentrate, harder to care about the things that I know are important to the "real" me, harder not to just let go and fall into some bad place in my head. I've been there, and I don't want to go back. These last few days have been so hard, too, that I don't know if I have the strength left in me to crawl out of that place if I end up there. I'm just hanging on the edge right now, and holding on tight.

update: so. No meds today, either. Called the pharmacy (in Montana), they are sending them today. They're sorry for the delay. I bet they are, but not as sorry as *I* am, or anyone who has to live with me this week. When I saw the empty mailbox again today, I kind of lost it. Just couldn't stop crying for a few minutes.
Just as I was typing this, I was making Lilly a grilled sandwich, which I forgot about, until I saw smoke billowing out of the skillet. Turned down the flame, went to grab a spatula to take the (black) sandwich out, and couldn't find anything to take it out with. Not a spatula, spoon, even a knife. I had to take it out with a vegetable peeler. I couldn't even make this stuff up. A vegetable peeler. See how every single little thing is just so hard at times like this?
fuck,