Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'm ready for this

Ok, this is going to be a long one. I'm going to indulge myself by starting the story from the beginning, or as close to the beginning as seems practical.

9 years ago we moved from our hometown to Anchorage, Alaska. We had met, married and had our first 3 children in that town, and our families still lived there. Leaving for AK was huge, a really big deal for me in particular as I had never lived outside that safe, hometown environment as an adult. It didn't work out so great, mostly it was my fault but I was young and isolated and deeply, deeply depressed so I try not to blame myself too much.

I'll skip alot of the detail here, but 2 years after we left for Alaska we had moved here, to Great Falls, and bought our first house thanks in most part to the money we got from the State of AK for the year we lived there. My grandma lived here, my mom, sister and brother all still in our hometown 3 hours away, and Larry's parents were there too.

Again, skipping a lot of detail, after living in the house for 3 years we found out it had a horrible, horrible toxic mold problem and fixing it would cost much, much more than the house was worth. Our children were sick, our son was in the hospital with asthma and pneuomonia. Lilly had a runny nose for the entire first year of her life, every single day. I was breaking out in hives all over my arms and legs. Our older son had a constant runny nose as well. Our older daughter had a sore throat for 2 years. 2 years straight,

We had to walk away, we lost everything we had put into the house, all the money and the dreams and the pride of finally owning our own place. The house is gone now, I try not to drive by it but I sometimes do and there's just an empty lot there now.

So now, 7 years after moving to Great Falls, we are alone here. Grandma is gone, my mom and brother are living in Oregon, my sister is in Washington. Larry's parents are in Nevada. We have no family left in the entire state of Montana. We have no house, no property. We're renting and barely scraping by and wondering what happened to the american dream. I'm still dreaming and wondering what I want to be when I grow up, and at the same time I'm starting to fear that at 34 I'm getting too old to start over again.

I haven't been working since last fall, after being an at-home mom for the first 10 years we were together I had been working a variety of part- and full-time jobs the last few years. But since last fall, since Grandma died and another school year started and I entered this period of deep soul-searching, I've been at home. It hasn't been easy, financially, but it felt important, and now I know why.

It was so I could have time to rest, reflect and figure out what is really important to me. It was my chance to take a deep breath before the deluge. It was the calm before the storm.

We found out today that the house we're renting has been sold, and we have to move again. We knew this was coming, or at least we suspected it. Even in the last 2 weeks, since the big storm that knocked down most of a tree in the backyard, our landlord's attitude has been...strange. The damage to the cables still isn't fixed, and our phone is totally out now. Turns out he is avoiding paying for the repairs and getting an arborist in to take care of the trees. We have to move. Now.

So. Deep breath. We're hitting the road. We're going to Oregon. We'll be gone in a couple of weeks. I'm happy, and I'm sad. I'm scared, and I'm excited. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm afraid of all the unknowns. Afraid of the big wide world. Afraid something bad will happen and I'll someday look back and wish we'd have stayed here. But in my heart, I know this is the right thing. I want more out of life than I'm getting in Great Falls, I want to know new people and see new things and have my mind stretched in ways that this sleepy Montana town can't.


Blogger Angela said...

Good luck with the big move Molly, maybe we can meet up at one of the PNW fibre events one day!

June 23, 2006 11:17 AM  
Blogger _Kine said...

I hope you find a nice home and peace soon.

June 23, 2006 2:03 PM  
Blogger c said...

you can begin again ;)
good luck.

June 24, 2006 10:00 AM  
Anonymous rebecca said...

just found your blog through the backtack flickr album. best of luck to you on your move to oregon! we are in portland and love it . . . so many opportunities . . . i hope it is a turning point for your family!

June 28, 2006 3:26 PM  
Blogger James said...

There is information here on Black Mold.

July 08, 2006 1:32 PM  

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