Tuesday, August 16, 2005

So, we have a meeting this afternoon with the hospice social worker to set up some schedule for visiting Grandma. Yesterday started out ok but got worse after my aunts kept calling and making threatening statements, etc. I did get a chance to talk to Grandma on the phone and said goodbye to her, in case I don't get to see her again. I just really wanted to say my final goodbye, although I didn't want to do it over the phone. I don't know at this point if I am going to be able to handle seeing her again, but we will have a schedule in place as I know Larry wants a chance to say his goodbyes as well.

I told Grandma that I love her very much, and I am really going to miss her. That I wish she didn't have to go, and how much I appreciate all she has done for me. That my earliest memories include her and she has been a positive influence on me all of my life. I think I told her a couple of times how much I will miss her, and that I hope to see her again someday. I thanked her for her generosity, support, and love.

Yesterday was a horrible day but today I'm feeling much better. I need to focus on my own life and my family, and not get so caught up in the drama going on in the extended family. It is sad for my Grandma that she has to die this way, but I have realized that I can't change that. It is impossible to keep fighting the 'Leens, I have just had to let it go and believe that they will get what they deserve. Call it karma, judgement day, negative energy, whatever, they will reap what they have sown and for me to try to be the one to keep them in line is just like beating my head against a brick wall.

It's hard, because I care about Grandma and I don't want to abandon her at the end of her life, but she is already so far gone mentally that she isn't even herself anymore. As long as she is happy in the moment, I have to let go of the fact that the 'Leens are manipulating her and spending all her money, etc. I have done what I can, and I got to say my goodbye to Grandma, so I am at peace with it. I got the family photos that I wanted and most importantly I came out of this whole thing with my integrity intact, so even though I am still incredibly sad over losing Grandma I feel it's ok to walk away. There are enough checks and balances in place with hospice that I know she will be well cared for physically.

I just feel like if I don't enter into a time of healing and rebuilding myself that I am very close to spinning out of control. Unlike the 'Leens, I have a family and life outside of all this mess, and in order to keep all that together and running smoothly I have to pull myself together. It's sad enough for my kids that they have to lose their great-grandma, and that they have witnessed all this craziness surrounding that. I don't want them to also see me running myself into the ground, mentally and emotionally, again. If nothing else I have learned how important it is to take care of myself, so I can take care of my family. I know Larry doesn't understand that, but he has learned to just go with it.

So, internet people, that is the latest segment in the soap opera that my life has turned into lately. More later after the social worker meeting, I am frankly scared of what the 'Leens will say and do but I know there is a security guard on duty so I guess it will be ok. Right?


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