Monday, August 15, 2005

a new week

It's a new week and I'm making some changes. This past week was one of the most stressful in my entire life, and after last night I know there is no way I can continue to function like that. I have decided to have no contact with my aunts, or as absolutely little as possible. There is a close friend and former business partner of my Grandma's who is younger than her, closer to my moms age. She is willing to do anything to help out, and she offered to be a sort of buffer between us and the 'Leens. So I am going to talk to her again today and set up a schedule to visit Grandma. The friend, J, will go to Grandma's house and stay with her so the 'Leens can leave. Then we will come and visit, and leave at a set time. Then the 'Leens will come back and J can leave. It is crazy that it has to be done that way, but I won't subject myself or my kids to their craziness any more.

I came really close to losing it last night, and by "it" I think I mean my sanity, at least temporarily. I had fleeting thoughts of suicide and even though that passed quickly it scared me, as did the fact that I threw both the phone and a bottle of ketchup at my husband.

This was all sparked by the fact that the 'Leens finally (after a day and a half!) discovered what my mom did to E's truck, and all holy hell broke loose. They had my cousin, E's 19 year old daughter, calling me to threaten me, etc. I told them my mom did it, but no one could get a hold of her as she was still en route back to WA, and they didn't believe me anyway. There is also the issue of the credit card Grandma gave me, after they had taken all her money, all her credit cards, and her check book, she got out this other card that she had hidden somewhere and asked me to use it to book my mom's flight, and to hold it for her for anything she might need. She stressed several times how she didn't want them to find out I had it. Well, yesterday they found out, somehow. So they were threatening to call the police about THAT, too, and I was just not in a logical place to deal with those kinds of threats. It was awful to have my cousin, who I loved and mothered as a baby when I was a teen, swearing at me and screaming over the phone about how horrible I am, etc. Especially when I am just trying to do my best to protect my Grandma from her daughters who are intent on spending as much of her money as possible before she dies.
There are a lot of details that I just don't have it in me to type out right now, but in the end I had a nice long conversation with Officer M from the PD and filled him in on pretty much everything. I am going to give G's credit card to her lawyer, so I won't get in trouble for having it but the 'Leens won't have access to it until after the lawyer meets with G. and finds out what SHE wants him to do with it. My mom is not going to lie about what she did to E's truck, and she will be talking to the same Officer M today.
I'm going to call G's friend J today and set up a time to go visit, and other than that I'm just going to try to pull myself together and get my life back on track after this week from hell.
I took an anti-anxiety med last night in the middle of all this, I was seriously *freaking* out. It helped and I slept well, but I'm still tired and groggy this morning so I might even go back to bed for a bit. My counselor is out of town for another week but I think I can make it through this ok until then. What a mess. I'm so disappointed in myself, I really haven't been that low or that out of control for a long time and I thought I was past all that. I'm just thinking of it as a momentary lapse and not an actual relapse of major depression.

Sorry this is a crazy and depressing blog to read these days, someday I will have something else to think and write about!


Blogger Psychgirl said...

So sorry to hear that life has been so rough for you lately. Sending you good thoughts from Atlanta.

August 15, 2005 7:04 PM  

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