Sunday, August 14, 2005

My mom is going home to WA this afternoon. I wish this visit had turned out better for her, it was nasty and so hurtful in a lot of ways but she did get a chance to reconnect with her mother one last time, and I know that means a lot to them both. She won't go back to Grandma's house to say a final goodbye in person, because of my aunts/her sisters being there, but she is going to call G. before she leaves town.

Long story short, Crazy Aunt #2 *freaked* out on Friday because I had cut a piece out of Grandma's memory foam mattress pad. Grandma is having a lot of back pain now, and she wants to spend most of her time in her recliner in the living room where she can be around everyone, so I took the mattress pad (which she wasn't using) and cut a couple of pieces of it to make a nice back cushion for Grandma. When C.A.#2 arrived home and discovered it she didn't just wigged out, screaming that she had been planning on using it and how dare I "tear up" HER stuff, etc etc. How she needs her sleep so badly, blah blah blah. I just very calmly told her that I don't give a rat's ass about how well she sleeps, but I do care very much about Grandma's comfort, and since it was Grandma's mattress pad she really didn't have any claim over it. Well, it just got worse from there and both C.A's ended up storming out of the house. They came back about 3 or 4 hours later with the police in tow, claiming that there had been an altercation and that someone had been assaulted. Let me tell you, were were shocked and actually found it funny, it was such BS! No one touched anyone. Anyway, we left and that was the end of it. The worse part is how upset Grandma was at all of this going on.

So the next morning, yesterday morning, we went back over there to visit Grandma. CA #1 was there, CA#2 wasn't but her brand new red truck was. See where this is going? There were some words between my mom and CA#1, and we decided to leave before Grandma got any more upset. My mom went outside first and I came out just in time to see her step away from CA#2's truck, which now has a number of very deep key scratches all along one side. I don't know if she has found it yet or not, but after her reaction to the memory foam incident I can only imagine how she will react to her precious new truck being defaced.

This whole thing has been so stressful and crazy, it's beyond horrible. I am in a sort of shocked state, walking around sort of stunned and very very tired. I think I am in "shut down" mode, one of my body's ways of dealing with stress. I've been crying, really sobbing, every night when I go to bed, which is unusual for me. I know it is good, it is part of beginning to mourn for my Grandma. I already miss her so much, because even though she is still her she is not herself and knowing that she never will be, it's just so hard. I have always been really close to my Grandma and even though I know that she can't live forever it is hard for me to imagine life without her in it. We have had our problems, nothing major but as she has gotten older she has developed some of those annoying habits that little old ladies get, but she has always been there for me and we have never had a major argument or fight, etc. I am just going to miss her so much, especially on holidays and birthdays, etc. It is hard because I don't want my kids to see me really upset, but I know I can't shield them from all of life's hurts. They know and love Grandma, too, and this will be their first experience with losing someone they are close to. I know that death is part of life, but it is such a hard thing to go through. It's made so much worse by the fact that the family can't pull together and help each other through this, too. I'm just at a real low right now, but still have some hope that things can get better, even though I know Grandma can't.

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