Friday, July 29, 2005

Last night I had a dream that *I* was in a hospital, and it was so nice. I seriously didn't want to wake up, I wanted to stay in bed and keep dreaming that all day. I think that means I'm feeling totally stressed out and need to do something for ME, especially need someone to care about ME.

It seems like in our culture we are raised to think that doing anything for ourselves automatically equals being selfish, but it's really not true. I know that if I don't figure out a way to recharge my own batteries then there is no way I can keep doing for everyone else in my life, but actually finding time and ways to take care of myself, that's another story.

It's especially hard because my husband just doesn't get the concept, things are so much simpler for him, he just sees what needs to be done and does it. I wish it were that easy for me, but it's not. I need to understand everything about the situation, and I need to put myself into it 100%, and I just don't know how to find balance.

So he gets mad because he doesn't see me doing as much around the house as he'd like me to, at the same time that my hours at work are cut back. He thinks I should either be working full time or if I'm not then I shouldn't struggle w/the housework/cooking/parenting/etc. I'm not sure why he can't see that everything goin on w/Gramma, and the hours at the hospital, followed by hours on the phone every day with various family members is taking up most of my time, but he doesn't. Of course it's hard for him to come home from work, and he works long hard hours on his feet as a chef, and find a messy house, but I would think that he would be more understanding about WHY I'm not doing my fair share of the household chores right now.

So on top of everything else going on I am constantly butting heads with him over these issues, and it's just about the final straw. I don't even have that support at home right now when I really need it, and I'm feeling that loss pretty hard right now. Along with all the conflict going on in my extended family, it is all just about too much for me, and for the first time in a long time I'm doubting my inner strength, wondering if I can handle it all.


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