Wednesday, June 22, 2005

trying again

wow, has this been weighing on my mind a lot today. I started really thinking about friendship last night, and spend most of the last 12 hours thinking about it. The lyrics I posted below are from u2's song Walk On, which has been an important song in my life and has spoken to me in different ways depending on what I've been going through in my personal life at the time. Right now there are certain lines in particular that keep running through my head, and it seems to me that the message I'm getting from this song right now is that it's not just about leaving behind overtly negative or destructive things/people/behaviors but it goes deeper than that. Sometimes we have to let go of things that seem harmless at first glance, but so many times we hold onto those things/people because we are more attached to the IDEA of them rather than the reality. Either we keep thinking things will change, things will get better, or else we are remembering a time when things were better and we keep thinking we can get back there. It's not easy to let go, but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. We have to take that step of faith sometimes, trusting that it is a step towards a happier, healthier self, even though it is painful to do.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind. I'm dealing with letting go of some friendships that I've been struggling with for a while, I keep thinking things can get better, thatt I don't want to lose this group of friends. It's important to have close girlfriends, but I'm done trying to convince myself that I am an important part of this group, that they really know or care about me. I'm done trying and trying and trying to be the best friend I can be, and still feeling like I'm on the outside. So yes, it is very important to have close girlfriends, but it is even more important to live a life of honesty, and to surround myself with friends who actually know me, like me, and love me. I've never been good at "faking it" and it makes me feel physically ill to see how some people can act so nice in front of someone that they have just been ripping apart behind their back.

so this blog entry is called "trying again" because I tried to post it last night and it got lost in cyberland, but it's also called trying again because that's what I've been doing, and that's what I'm leaving behind, I'm not trying again with these people any more. What's really funny is I know some of them read this blog, so if you're reading this and think I might be talking about you, I probably am. I wish you the best, but I'm done.


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